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With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.
“Throw away 250 resumes? What if the best candidates are in there?” I asked, shocked.
“You have a point,” he said. “But then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other on a plane.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Man: Really?……. Are you single?
Woman: No, I’m a dentist.
A teenager brings her new older boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later the girl’s mom says, “Dear he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
At a party, a woman admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t that embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” he asked. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A couple gets into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It gets quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sit in silence for several kilometers.
As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in the mud, the wife spoke up and says: “relatives of yours?”
The man nodded and replies: “In laws.”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A person tells their doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies “Sorry, I don’t follow you……”
This very short video is well worth the watch :-)
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
An elderly couple are shopping in the grocery store and his wife is continuously nagging at him about the cost of everything he puts in the cart. She picks up a can of peaches and exclaims “that’s ridiculous!” when she looks at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into her purse. The security sees her on video, and she is arrested. At court the judge says, “this kind of petty theft is unacceptable, I need to make a lesson of you.” He looks at her carefully. “How many peaches are in the can you stole?’ “Seven” she replies. “Very well, I am sentencing you to seven days in jail.” Right then the husband pipes up “Your Honour, I should probably tell you she also stole a can of peas.”
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.
The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
A man walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist replies “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”
The guy replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”
The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”
And the guy says, “Your light was on.”
Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. —Beverly Gross
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries, "He says you're gonna die.” Reader’s Digest